Hello Blogger

Haven't written in here in awhile. Been on tumblr lately.

College has been so stressful. So many choices to be made.
Yesterday my Dad had a talk with me during the car ride with my Mom and two sisters (the current household btw)

He told me that he would buy me a car. However, I had to live at home while going to that state college or that community college. I knew he didn't want me to go to the bay area. I knew it was his excuse to say that he didn't want his youngest to go away. Asian parents are like that. I'm pretty sure my mom told my dad to have this talk with me.
Even though I know he'll never admit to this, but I know he'd miss me when I'm gone. It's weird because before he had the "talk", he rewatched old VHS movies that I loved to watch back when I was little. And then he began to reminiscence about old times about me. Not to boast or anything, but I'm usually the one that brings the life in my family since I'm so young compared to my other siblings. And if I'm gone, the house would only be filled with silence.

But it got me thinking.

I was already planning to go to San Francisco. I was already planning to move away from my family. I was already planning to live an independent life.
My dad made the offer even more desiring, saying that I wouldn't have to worry about paying for rent. Saying that I was already settled in with my own room.

And now I don't know what I should do. On top of that, I don't even know what I want to major in.

And I feel so horrible about the car. Right now my sister desperately needs a car but she's really broke. And then my dad pops out of nowhere saying that he's willing to buy me a car when I pass my license (finally passed my permit :D). Of course, I would gladly love the idea of that but I'm also okay with him not buying it. The economy has affected my family so badly and I wouldn't want to put any burden upon them. They've already all pitched in and bought me a laptop for my birthday/graduation gift. Anyways, I felt a sense a jealously from my sister even though I knew she tried to not show it.
And it makes me feel horrible inside because she has the right to feel that way. She's a good-hearted person who has diligently taken over the family, providing the food that's sitting in our refrigerator, stocking up on everyday essentials( toilet paper, soap, etc.). She also spoils us family members. AND, she was the one that organized the laptop gift for me. But compared to my other sister, who really doesn't do crap, doesn't have a job, refuses to take charge (but I still love her dearly) and who is THREE!! years older then my sister, my sister is a true hardworker. I know she stresses everyday and I know how much she hates her life right now. She doesn't talk back to my parents unlike my other sister and I. She bites her tongue when being lectured and does the chores without being asked.
And it kills me, it really does. I don't think I should accept the car. Or I don't know. I'm really confused. Really cliche but, my heart is torn.

I don't know. My other sisters and brother (sorry I just have so many hehe) keep telling me to make my own choices. To move out and experience the real world. To not listen to my parents because really, they wouldn't help out as much.

But, I know my parents are not getting any younger and I want to see them as much as I can. The economy is different for me then it was for my siblings years ago. Plus, the bay area is 3x more expensive.

I'm the youngest, the "baby." I've always lived a life where I was dependent on someone. I've never had a job and my family was the one that has always helped me financially. I've been fed with a spoon my whole life. And because of that, I'm scared to face the real world. I'm anti-social and have no close friends because I choose to hang out with my family instead.

I fucking hate this.

Even after writing all this, my mind is still unclear. I don't know what my future holds. We'll just have to see.

If anyone even reads this, sorry, this was a boring and super long blog.

1 comment:

  1. You should do what you think is the right thing. I know how you feel as im chinese and my parents are like that but not as nice, i also have lots of siblings. But sometimes i guess without sounding horrible you have to be selfish in order to achieve what you fully want. I on the other hand can't and i've graduated from university already, jobless from the recession. So yeah. .
    Good luck anyway. Im sure you'll figure something out, SF sounds nice tho and being anti social i was the same but i moved away to go to University and met lots of great friends and people im sure you will too.