I post my real emotions here, please disregard this.

Love is in the air.
I use to feel uptight about all this boyfriend-girlfriend lovey-dovey thing. I always felt uncomfortable when my friends talked about how hot that guy was or which guys they were crushing on. I mean yeah, I was always crushing on guys but I've never been one to flirt. In fact, I "shy-ed" away and only talked to guys that I had no affectionate desire towards to. So really, all the boys in my life that I would consider having a "relationship" with where guys who I would never see as a love interest.
And now, I don't know what the hell it is, but my hormones are raging like a 13 year old's. Ew, no I'm not horny or anything, it's just that I've gotten in touch with my girly side and I'm now longing for..oh what do you call it...LOVE! Fuck, I mean come on, I'm 18. Am I a late-bloomer? Probably. I mean I always imagined myself having that "young love" in highschool but I never got that. Now that I'm in college, all this wanting a boyfriend is taking up half of my brain. And truthfully, I kinda hate but like it.
I keep telling myself, I gotta love myself first before I love another. What I mean by that is I gotta focus on school, get fit and healthy, and stay focused on myself and my family.
But noooo, my fucking 13 year old, corny-ass, head keeps thinking about boys and love. Fuck, it's even embarrassing writing this, haha. To make it more embarrassing, when ever I see a guy that I find attractive, I start to crush on them...real bad. Even if I've only seen them once or three times, I'd imagine what it would be like if he were my boyfriend. GAHH, so embarrassing, lol. And sometimes, if I know them through other people, I'd stalk them on facebook. Yeah, I know, pitiful. Ugh, I'm so ashamed of myself. And when I find out that they're talking to other girls (one in specific who is talking to this girl from my church, ugh she's so pretty and natural and she's not too thick. Ugh I'm jealous of her and her cousins), I get fucking jealous. Like realllyy jealous that I can barely sleep because I keep thinking about. See how low I've become? I'm not usually like this at all.
And now, I find myself attracting ugly, guys too. I dress to impress nowadays (soooo pitiful to thee max). I'm desperate for attention from males.
I just want to find my soulmate. That's all. I want to know what love is. I want to have late night talks. I want to sneak out late at night. I want to bring him over to visit my family. I want to snuggle with him. I want to experience a kiss. I want to know what its like to argue with somebody other than my family.
You know what's sad, the people who I text the most are my family and 1 or 2 friends only. I barely talk on the phone. At all. Not that it's a bad thing but it just makes me realize how much of a loner loser I am.
Am I really that ugly? That fat? Won't any guy that I find an interest in like me back? I bet I'm better than half of these girls that exist on the universe.
Until then, I'll rely on God. I know that he'll let me meet that guy someday.


I haven't felt this lonely in awhile. Sometimes I feel so foolish for imagining myself with a boyfriend or with a guy that I find in interest in. I don't know what it is but I'm really longing to find/experience what love is. I also long to find a circle of friends that I can hang out with and actually act like myself. I don't what it is but I always seem to "scare" people away. Maybe it's because I have that stand-offish look. People never approach me and I'm way too shy to spark up a conversation.
God, I feel so fucking lonely. I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Fuck, maybe I just don't feel like doing this stupid research essay. I've been thinking and maybe college isn't for me. Gosh, but I have to think about my education and making $$$. Fuck life. Life sucks. Simple as that, Life fucking sucks dick!



Sorry for always blogging negative posts.


Fuck you very much, Bitch!